Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A bitchslap is in order.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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