There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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