Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
