suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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