I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
