My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
