I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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