So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
