I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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