This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
