Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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