Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
