I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do plants get herpes?
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