He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
