ugly people sure do ruin things
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
