If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
