This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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