Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
