the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
ttyl tear gas
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
