woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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