I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
