There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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