grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's never too late to be topless.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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