Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
