Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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