I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
