Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
