Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
