How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
