i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
