i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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