you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just tell him i said nine months
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
