I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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