I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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