I don't usually arrange sex via text message
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
