I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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