I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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