I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
