please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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