Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
