I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
