my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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