turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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