he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
