The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
