she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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