I think I died a long time ago.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
