Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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