Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
