I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
